I will fight for you.

It’s been 5 years since we said goodbye to Andrew (Jack’s uncle, Chris’ only sibling). I found myself this past month thinking of all that has been missing along with the lessons that grief has taught me. As the years continue without him, the grief doesn’t decrease, our life continues to happen as we carry the grief of missing him every single day. There are too many things to share what has been lost, but I miss his larger than life personality, his shy smile yet hilarious banter, how he would greet people, and his ability to make everyone he sees feel important.  

Our theme of “You Make Me Better” was a part of the Chris’ (Jack’s dad) tribute at Andrew’s funeral. The amount of memories that haven’t happened make my heart ache for all those that called him family, friend, teammate, coach, or teacher. He was a guy that had a tremendous impact on others and the world is missing an incredible guy.

Ask anyone that knew him, they would describe him as a competitor with an unmatched work ethic. He made everyone around him better, if it was his encouragement or leading by example, he wanted to see people succeed and always showed up for others. Here’s what we heard from one of his teammates shortly after he died:

“Selfless, encouraging, enthusiastic, courageous….these are just a few of the many traits Andrew Carroll possessed and practiced on a daily basis. I remember meeting Andrew in the locker room in Hartford, CT when we were teammates and linemates on the Connecticut Whales. One of the first things he told me when we were going to play together on the same line was, “Don’t worry about anything, I am always going to be the first one on the forecheck and going to try to get you the puck as fast as I can.”  I’m thinking to myself, “now this is my kind of winger!” Come to find out I think he just loved to forecheck and throw his body around in the form of playing physical and checking someone into the boards! But that’s honestly how Andrew lived his life day in day out, selflessly putting himself out there for the benefit of others, whether on the rink or outside in his daily life. He was one of the most genuine human beings I have ever met in my life. He exemplified what it meant to be a genuine, God-seeking, God-loving man. He lived it! Every single day! Who can say that they do that!?” 

Andrew died on January 22, 2018 and the death certificates reads his cause of death is jump from height resulting in suicide. You can revisit those tragic days here. Everyone was shocked, in disbelief, and we still try to make sense of something that truly has no answers. 16 months after Andrew’s death he was diagnosed with CTE, a degenerative brain disease caused by repeated trauma to the brain. Death by suicide is unfortunately common with those living with CTE because it impacts their ability to control their impulses. It also can not be diagnosed until after death and many with the condition don’t even know they have it.