Don’t let go.

The day after Andrew died we responded with the following statement:

“We are deeply heartbroken to share of the loss of Andrew Carroll, an amazing son, brother, uncle, nephew, cousin, teammate, teacher, mentor, and friend who died tragically after a fall at the Chicago O’Hare Airport. We are deeply grieving but have the assurance that he is in the loving arms of Jesus because of his decision to accept Christ. At this difficult time, what also gives us comfort is that his life meant so much to so many people and he was able to give the gift of hope by donating his organs so that others might have life. May his love for Jesus and others live through each of us. We are in the process of making arrangements for his celebration of life and hope you can join us as we honor Andrew.” With love, the Carroll Family

As I wrote in the original blog post, we announced that he died as a result of a tragic fall. No one ever is prepared to share such devastating and incomprehensible news, writing words while still in complete disbelief that 20 minutes after Andrew purchased a plane ticket to fly home to St. Paul in the early morning of January 20th, he walked out the door to an overpass, climbed the railing, turned around (as the police officer described to us) and let go. 

His death certificate reads jump from height resulting in death by suicide.   

Through this journey of being affected by suicide, in our experience, there were no signs, to any of us that were close to him, that ever made us think he would harm himself. 

“Clearly you had to of known?” asked of Chris by a woman at the visitation. No.  No.  No, do not ask that.  If we would have known he was struggling, we would have tried to help him (as any family or friend would).  But…thank you (no thank you) for asking in assumption that the answer you wanted to hear is really just trying to calm your own fears that this could happen to you.  That question hurts everyone affected by suicide and is not helpful to anyone.  Mental health and suicide unfortunately already carry a societal stigma and questions and assumptions like that only contribute to the trauma of this painful part of our story. 

Yesterday was the final interview with the Boston University CTE Center, after the 14 month period of time that they studied Andrew’s brain.  With the number of years he played hockey (collegiate + 9 years professional), the cause of death, and roles he played on his teams, we listened as the neuropathologist explained the condition of his brain at the time of his death.  

The process before the final results were given included clinicians interviewing our family about his medical history.  Many of the questions were basic about his mood, headaches, and eventually led to questions about trauma to the brain. In the years that he played hockey as a forward, he experienced a few concussions and a lot of trauma (as defined by the clinical definition) to the brain while engaging in hockey fights (during his professional career).    

The doctor explained how the testing was conducted and the results indicated that Andrew had Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE).  According to the Boston University CTE Center, CTE is a degenerative brain disease found in athletes, military veterans, and others with a history of repetitive brain trauma.  In CTE, a protein called Tau forms clumps that slowly spread throughout the brain, killing brain cells.  Andrew’s frontal lobe was impacted by this protein.  Currently, CTE can only be diagnosed after death through brain tissue analysis.  You can read more about the diagnosis here.  There are many people living with CTE and they may not even suspect they have it (as in Andrew’s case).  The doctor explained that a majority, if not all, of the donations of young brains are a result of death by suicide.  Research and awareness around this disease is something that is vital so that this can be prevented.